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Fussy or High Need Baby
One of the greatest challenges for new parents is the fussy or high need baby. This can be a huge blow to new parents' expectations of their baby. Naturally, when a baby is crying, we want to solve the problem and quiet her down. This isn't quite so easy with a high need baby. You may find yourself having exhausted all the usual means of comfort: nursing, changing diapers, changing clothes, holding, rocking, carrying, singing, etc., and still have an upset baby on your hands. What to do now?
The first thing that needs to happen if your baby is upset is to determine if there is a true cause for the upset. There are so many reasons that a baby could be crying that it could seem a rather impossible task to determine the cause. Starting with the obvious and working through the possibilities is the best way to get to know your baby and what he likes and dislikes. In the first weeks, it may seem as though the constant routine of going through the possibilities for upset is non-stop. Just as you get done with one round of nursing, diapering, etc., it is time for the next round to begin. This does ease up substantially after the first few weeks. Your baby will become more trusting of you, and you will get to know your baby's patterns better. Note: If your baby is generally easy going and becomes suddenly upset and inconsolable, there could be a medical reason such as ear infection. It is worth getting her ears looked at to ease your fears.
If you have exhausted all the regular possibilities of upset, you can then move on to other possibilities. One possibility in a breastfed baby is sensitivity to what you have eaten. The main culprit of this is cow's milk protein. Don't confuse this with lactose intolerance, which is extremely rare in the breastfed infant. The protein of cow's milk does pass into the breastmilk and can be a source of discomfort for your baby. Elimination of dairy products for two weeks will remove the protein from your milk and often alleviate colicky-type symptoms in your baby. However, if your baby is truly a high need baby, this won't work.
Some of the characteristics of a high need baby are that she may be perfectly content in your arms but very distressed if put down, or she may want a lot of action or may need to always face away from you. A high need baby often wants to be held perfectly upright to be able to see what is going on. This can make it very difficult to accomplish any other tasks, including eating and going to the bathroom. If this seems to be the type of baby you have, rest assured he will get easier and there are many ways to help you cope.
One of the best ways to help with a high need baby is to invest in a good comfortable sling. Keep trying different positions and different slings until you get one that works for you and your baby. If your baby seems to dislike it at first, keep trying; many high need babies are slow to transition and need several tries to get comfortable with the idea. When putting her in the sling, make sure to get moving right away as this helps ease the transition of being confined. Soon you will be wearing your baby and actually getting a few things done.
Your high need baby may also respond to distraction. When you see a rough period coming, a change of scenery can make all the difference in the world. Going outside for a walk, taking a bath, or even changing clothes can help to distract the fussiest of babies. Getting support for you is important when caring for a new baby but is absolutely crucial if caring for a high need baby. "Parenting the Fussy Baby and High Need Child" by William and Martha Sears is a great resource. Getting together or just talking on the phone with other mothers who understand can really keep your perspective healthy. Your partner can allow you the time that you need to care for your own needs.
The most important thing that you can remember is that your baby can't differentiate between her needs and her wants. If she is upset and in need of you, that is valid and needs to be acknowledged. Meeting your baby's needs quickly and compassionately will not spoil her; in fact, it will help her to learn that she is safe and can relax. If you are the mother of a high need baby, try to remember that the housework and the errands can wait or can be done by someone else. Only you can mother and nurse your baby. Give him the time in your arms that he needs. Every baby is different in his need for attention. If you are blessed with a baby that needs you constantly, try to enjoy this time as soon she will be running off to live her own life and will never be this needy of you again. Babyhood is a very short time in the course of our lives. It is important to build a lifelong foundation of trust and confidence by meeting your baby's needs, whatever they may be. Trust your instincts and follow your heart. Sometimes the craziest ideas will work wonders on a fussy baby. Be willing to try something unusual if it seems appropriate. Put aside your adult agenda and allow your baby to guide you through this difficult time, knowing it will soon be over.
A high need baby can truly test your ability to surrender. Just keep remembering that "this too shall pass." Your baby won't be an infant for long; in the mean time do what works best for your family. Don't worry about anyone who tells you that you are spoiling your baby, it just isn't true. Loving your baby and meeting his needs will help him to grow into a loving, compassionate adult. All babies are different and need to parented in unique ways. Trust yourself that you know what is right for your baby.
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